(Hopefully you’re here for telling and not spelling) -Me/PFT
Brentwood, Calif— I’m just gonna come out of the gates with this almost unbelievably horrendous draft photo. Is this the worst draft ever for any team in any sport…in any century? H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T. Logan’s ass didn’t even bother hitting up Men’s Warehouse for a suit—he knew his ass was a perpetual 10 day contract player. F is for frugal, can’t knock it. “Naw, just let me borrow the equipment managers polo—no one will notice.”
Welsch borrowed Paul Bearer’s suit (The Undertakers manager), and Mike Dun went to Macy’s (with a gift card he got from playing in the final four that year. Swag bag hey girl heyyyy) walked up to the men’s suits manager and said “Howdy sir, I’m looking for a suit” *Macy’s manager “ Well aren’t you a tall glass of almond milk hahahah, hows the weather up there hahha” *Mike Dun “hahahaha well golly there’s an array of suits…hmm…just give me the one that most resembles a local Mormon Bishop” *Macys Manager “Excellent choice Mr Tabernacle hahahaha. That will be $65.41” *hands him the absurdly red gift card*
Let’s take a drive down Anxiety Road and take a left on Depression Ave. Years of watching the Lakers dominate the league and beating us by 40+ like a gimme putt for Tiger. For all you die hard fans, this list will bring back frightening flashbacks like tires popping for a Vietnam Vet—grab some wine, err scotch, your Grandma’s Vicodin bottle, bleach, and fight through the PTSD this list might exacerbate your symptoms. You brand newbies, class is in session—today’s course; history of losing and quarter century altering bad managerial decisions 101.
Mike Dunleavy Jr (2002-2007) Top 3 pick, top 3000 player. What a tease that guy was. The first ever top Duke draft pick that was a bust. That was our luck for 20+ years. Great passer though, guys!!!
Adonal Foyle (1997-2007) Fan favorite…block legend, Walnut Creek’s Mr. Lucky’s Bar & Grill enthusiast and an offensive abomination (he did score 2o points in a game though, TWICE!). Honestly, I can’t think of one NBA pro ever that was a worse scorer. He made Dennis Rodman look like Allen Iverson with the rock. Enjoy your cigar collection Foyle. We still love you and I’ll gladly accept another fireball shot at Lucky’s.
Vonteego Cummings (1999-2001) Great name, horrendous jumper.
Top 10 worst Warriors of the last 25 years (Brace yourself)
10. Jason Caffey (1997-2000) Possibly the slowest player I’ve ever seen live. I’m 100% convinced our ownership swooped him up because he played with Jordan for a few years. “Maybe when mike retires from baseball he will come play with Caffey and the Warriors!!!” Sweet mugshot Caff. He also owes $200,000 in child support. Maybe try out for the Big Baller Brand league?
9. Bimbo Coles (1995-1999) The name alone doesnt excatly say “star point guard”–Vernell “Bimbo” Eufaye Coles, sheesh. The simple fact that this man was leading our team for 4 years brings me stomach pains. But I also just ate microwaved Mac N’ Cheese for the 5th straight day so it could be that.
8. John Starks (1988-1989; 1998-2000) Holy snikes..was there ever a shot Starks didn’t like? Starks beware…winter is coming for your shot streak. Legend has it to this day, Starks shoots a 3 every time a new rap moniker that includes “lil” uploads a song to SoundCloud. Starks shot everywhere in the gym all the time like he was Steph Curry. The only problem — he had the shot of Anne Curry, the reputed Dateline NBC anchor. Anne Curry with the good hair. Somewhere right now Starks is shooting from 40 out at some Midwest dilapidated YMCA screaming ” LET IT RAIN”
Now to be fair Starks had a pretty solid career and could light it up on the right night, just not with the dubs. Thanks for nothing.
7. Antwan Jamison (1998-2003) Surprised to see him on this list? This is solely because we traded VINCE CARTER for him. Probably the most explosive 2 guard of our generation outside of Kobe. I’m still sick about it. I honestly don’t think the Warriors during the Great Depression era made one +EV draft trade—not one. What Curry’s shot does to heat up and shake Roaracle Arena, Vinsanity could have been doing with his never before seen hops and dunks 20 years ago. His performance at oracle for the slam dunk contest is still herald as the best single performance inside of an all star contest ever. Twan was a hooper…I’m just bitter we never got Vince in a Warriors uni. Jamison’s back to back 5o point games was the most exciting thing to happen to the warriors since the we believe year.
6. Erick Dampier (1997-2004) The Mississippi Mule. I just made that up. I hate that I didn’t think of it then. What a slow, low basketball IQ, George Foreman Grills for hands, OAF! The fact that the Warriors brass thought he was the Center of the future is all you need to know about those dark times and where their heads were.
5. Vladimir Radmanovic (2009-2011) He came to the Warriors as a big man who could stroke the 3, stretch the opponents bigs to the 3 line, anddddd then promptly missed every single shot he ever took in a Dubs uni.
4. Jiri Welsch (2002-2003) The Czech…ugh, he doesn’t deserve a nickname. Quick question: Is 1.6 pts and 0.7 ast per game good for a guard? No? Oh. HOW THE F*** DID THIS GUY PLAY FOUR YEARS IN THE LEAGUE?!!! DID HE HAVE NUDE PICS OF DAVID STERN IN DRAG? I’ll stop yelling at you. How tho?!?!? KAEPERNICK SHOULD HAVE TAKEN HIS SPOT!!!
3. Derek Fisher (2004-2006) 6 Years…37 million dollars. I’ll say it again. A 30+ year old D-Fish got a 37 million dollar deal. F*** the Lakers also. Just felt like saying it. He took time away from fan favorite Gilbert Arenas and that in itself awards him near the top spot. Sick headband though.
2. Todd Fuller (1996-1998) I’m sure you all know who the next pick was. Number 8 and later on his career, 24. Where’s my Xanax?!
*Fuller don’t get a picture. Bum ass Kobe blocker.*
1. Joe Smith (1995-1998) Number one for the number one pick…Joe Smith. The Warriors first number one pick since 1980 and we “TOTALLY BLEW ITTTTTT”
Now Smith wasn’t the worst Warrior on this list, that number one shit medal belongs to Todd “WE F****** COULD’VE DRAFTED KOBE RIGHT BEFORE” Fuller. Any number one draft pick in any sport has a stigma that follows him throughout his whole career. Joe finished second for ROY and the dub-nation was buzzing. He then regressed into a shell of his legendary collegiate career, “home of the Terrapins, he got it dirt cheap from them” *Jigga Voice* and an outstanding rookie campaign.
I won’t go into detail of Smith’s problems — let’s just say he was lazier than Iverson in practice… PRACTICE?!? Smith also ended up playing for one short of a baker’s dozen teams. Think of that. A number one pick, a top 25 college player of all time, and he got passed around 12 times. All of his different jerseys on basketballreference.com looks like a damn Plinko board. He did have a great shaved head though, so he left us with that. And just for kicks, you wanna know who (in 0rder) went right after Big Joe? McDyess, Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace, Garnett…puke.
What did we learn from this list besides the torture we endured and the loyalty we showed? We were the NBA Cleveland Browns for 25 years. The doormat of the league. The revolving door of wins for the opposition. Yet we still showed up and were always in the + for attendance. We had the worst string of starting guards in NBA history— a team can’t change their losing ways/philosophy with terrible ownership and an even worse front office. It’s like buying a Maybach and continuing to put moth balls and regular gas in it. I think that analogy works. But with the 90’s-00’s warriors it was more like a Ford Falcon.
Jesus Christo, that list is depressing. True dubs fans know there’s about 30 other guys we could have plugged into this list. I’m looking at you Charlie Bell. Google Charlie Bell and Amnesty Clause if you want to see how much the Warriors front office has changed. Never mind, here ya go http://www.nbcsports.com/bayarea/warriors/nba-mailbag-amnesty-charlie-bell-still-hurts
“Now’s-yous-can’t-leave Gary Saint-Jean.”
BAH GAD WE’RE DEAD *Jim Ross Voice*
Alright the kids can come out of their rooms now. The horror slasher film is over.
Soak these times up guys and gals. We have something so special and have completely changed the landscape of the NBA with our draft picks, free agent bargains, and winning ways. Players used to run from us during free agency. They would take millions less to play for pretty much any other team (I’m looking at you Dwight Howard and Iggy the first time around). Even when we would win, ESPN would show the other teams highlights. Me and my good pal Dominic used to point it out nightly. “Oh look the warriors actually won. Wait why did we just watch 6 highlights of Darius Miles dunking on O’bryant?” -Dom G. Now players and fans alike flock to us like white girls to avocado toast and trendy brunch spots—or record labels to soundcloud rappers with purple dreads.
One last thing Lakers….
2018… Petty Boy Szn, cue the music.